...Why don't women say what they mean, instead of speaking in code? 'It's okay if we stay in" means "Let's go out." "I love the way you are" means, "I can change you." And if you hear :Do you think this outfit makes me look fat?" it means "Lie to me or sleep alone for the rest of your life.".

Silence

What is the matter with you people?! Shut up! You're in a movie theatre. You're supposed to listen to the actors talk! That's why the seats face the screen and not each other!.

Karaoke

Karaoke. Yeah, great idea. Cause so often when I'm listening to Sinatra, I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better if I could just take out Sinatra's voice and replace it with the off-key yowling of that drunk in the corner.

Energy Conservation

I decided to do my part for energy conservation, so I took the bus. Done that lately? It was like being in an ethanol powered Fellini film. The first thing I saw was a lady breast-feeding her son -- her adult son!.

Romance

Romance is nothing more than the little morsel of cheese in a mousetrap that lures you into a position where the spring-loaded bar of reality snaps down on your neck. Romance sucks.

Hospitals

Okay, The hospital lost a patient of mine. Oh, he's alive -- they just can't find him. They manage to keep track of the $25 aspirin and the $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Borelli was just too slippery for them. Never, ever go to a hospital. Just throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, cheaper and a lot  less paperwork.

Pro-Creation

So I turn on the news, and there's this couple from I don't know -- Snot, Wyoming -- standing there in a trailer park with more babies than there are Miami Dolphins. I'm sorry, but if your husband is unemployed and your house is on wheels, maybe you need to buy less beer and more condoms.

Talk Radio Callers

The only people dumber than talk radio listeners are talk radio callers. It's an entire audience made up of the infirm, the unemployed and the insane.